Ah Summertime… time to soak up lots of sun, drinks cocktails poolside, and enjoy the company of friends and family. I was lucky enough to get some days off of work so I decided to come home and visit my family while doing a whole bunch of nothing. It has been very nice to relax and recharge my brain before I have to get back to work. For me, being back home can be somewhat of a gamble because it gets me thinking about good and bad things while leaving me feeling somewhat confused.
When I come back home to my small hometown of Alexandria, Louisiana, I realize how much I have grown up and away from many of the people here. My mindset is more open and focused on different things. It’s no one’s fault- it is just something I realize time and time again when I come back here. I enjoy seeing my family and a small handful of friends who still live here, but it does make me sad to think that during high school I had a blast in this town with all of my friends and enjoying the “simple life” but now I see things from a different perspective. It makes me sad to see some of my close friends still living here not doing very much with their lives. I see so much of a brighter future for them, but it isn’t in this town. As long as they are happy then I am happy with that, but I’m not so sure that some of them are. Sure, I have a few friends that have a great job here and are settling down as newlyweds, and I am so happy for them. Times have certainly changed and I have changed. I always find myself having a bit of anxiety when I am back home. I can’t exactly put my finger on it but I think it has something to do with the fact that I have just changed as a person and I don’t really “fit in” here anymore. In my opinion, I have changed for the better.
Sometimes I wish I was a more content person. Content with not doing a lot and living more of a simple, laid-back life. I constantly have to go go go and do do do, and it gets exhausting but I cannot help it. I see so many people around me getting engaged, getting married, having kids and I wonder when that time will come for me. I want a successful marriage and a family one day but it’s not my time right now. I don’t think I can continue chasing my dreams and finding my career path while being married and having a family right now. I’m sure it is very possible for some people to successfully accomplish both at the same time, but in my heart I know it isn’t for me. At the same time, I don’t want to get married when I’m past 30 because I have always had a certain vision and timeframe in my head, but I know that’s just silly because nothing ever goes as planned. I think coming back home and seeing the slower pace life makes me think I am the one with the problem but at the end of the day, I moved away for a reason and that reason is to accomplish my goals and find my career path. It hasn’t been easy and believe it or not, I still get homesick and miss my mommy from time to time.
All I can focus on now is my last 6 weeks of my school program. I can’t believe this school year is almost over and how fast time flies by! I’m not so sure what will happen come August 14th, but I know that the answer is inside of me somewhere. I can either stay in Austin where I am now very comfortable and content or move on to even bigger and better things… or come back to Louisiana and settle down one day. Who knows what will happen but my main focus is to stay true to myself, listen to my gut, and follow my heart. So far, it has worked pretty well.